dear ian

I refuse to say your name because saying it would upset me and that is not the point of this letter after all. you have referred to yourself as Ian before, so if you are reading this you know this is written to you. I can't seem to pinpoint when I decided to be with you and ultimately when I decided to leave you, but what I do know is that I want you out now. Out of my nightmares, out of my fears and certainly out of my life. When you called me Christmas 2008 it had been over four years since we had last spoken, and quite honestly I had enjoyed every minute of it. The fact that you called me from a withheld number lets you know that even you knew you shouldn't be calling me. The truth is I stayed far too long with you because I was afraid of what you would do to me, and I was afraid of being alone. I suppose when you are 19 these are thoughts that are important to a young girl. Throughout our tumultuous relationship, I dreamt of being rescued by someone else. Preferably the frog, in fact almost certainly the frog. Throughout our relationship I would cry to the point of breaking blood vessels in my face, beg for something to take you away from me and ultimately for the frog to come back and for me to completely forget about you. Luckily for me, ironically your hidden secret Heather would be my savior. Who would have thought your girl on the side would actually be the one to spare me my life? Unfortunately the monster within you was much too strong to allow myself to completely let go of my fear of you, and unknowingly I would have the next 6 years to pay for my poor decision. Every man I chose to be in a relationship with since you has been made aware of you, the way you look, what you did to me and what you did to the others. I wanted to make sure that no matter where I was and no matter where they were, your name would have a face and your monster would be known. The point in this letter is to let you know that I have completely accepted the point of our relationship now, and I suspect you did not receive half as much learning experience from this as I have. Any submissive behavior that I had prior to the fruition of our relationship has since left me, and instead I have created my own monster myself. Some relationships have suffered because of you, and some relationships failed to begin because of you. I truly hate you. I hate what I allowed myself to be, and I hate that I lost so much of my life with such a reprehensible ass such as yourself. six years later and I am saying something I should have said years ago. i never loved you, when i was with you all you were was a face to speak to. when i cried and told you i was crying because i was beginning to have feelings for you, I was really crying because i wanted to be with the frog so badly I thought my heart would explode. when i would leave your place i would run to my car as quickly as i could because i was afraid sometimes that you would chase after me to hurt me. every moment had a reason. every excuse was a lie, and every moment i touched you i wanted to fucking die. goodbye asshole.