wedding dress shopping

Sunday will be my first day to go wedding shopping and I am dreading it more than I am looking forward to the results. First of all, I am in limbo with my hair so I feel very unsure of myself in general let alone sure of making decisions of what I want to wear when I get married. I also don't like the fact that David won't be there with me when I try on my dress because I shop with him more than I do my best girlfriends and he has wonderful taste in clothing. It seems weird to be making a big decision without him because I have had him with me on each one the past five years.

On a different note, I know I want to dye my hair back to dark. I feel so foolish ruining my hair by stripping it out and turning my hair into a scraggly pony tail filled with hay. I suppose you live and learn...I just wish my hair didn't have to be the sacrifice. I am thinking about beginning a new blog that will transition me from this blog into my family blog. I plan on having children very soon after the wedding and I want to keep everything documented so that it will always be accessible to look at.

I am embarrassed of 90% of the things I have written on this blog and I think I will ultimately want to walk away from it all together because I feel like a child when I re-read through some of the entries. Life is silly, and it is time for me grow up and drop petty ideas and focus on the things that really make me happy.

I passed all three subtests of the CSET and the written exam so I am free to student teach as soon as possible. I can't wait to have a real job doing something I love. I can't even fathom how amazing it will be to engage in an activity that doesn't require customer service or helping people with makeup.

i wish this would be your colour

documenting life

I keep this blog for no other reason than for myself, so why do I write in a way that is cautious? I am over it. Maybe I need to start a new blog, but honestly I am over the pretense. If I feel fat as hell and want to talk about how gross I feel about myself I should just spill it. I spent too much of my life worried about people and their perception of me. Ultimately, no matter how hard I try or how nice I am too most people, I always am looked at like a cold hearted bitch. So there you have it.

I go back to read some of my previous entries and honestly, I am flat out embarrassed of 90% of my writing. I worry too much about lame stuff and not enough stress on the truly magnificent things in life. Tomorrow I am going back to the gym because I have gained too much weight and my ass and face are huge. Too comfortable with life and it got the best of me. I hate the way I look in photos where my back is turned to the camera. I look like a refrigerator and I need to get a grip on the sitch before it gets too late.

virgin suicides

Today, while I was looking through photos of black hair brides and blonde hair brides I couldn't come to terms with my new found blondeness. In fact, I truly miss my dark locks and have a problem holding back my oohs and aahs whenever I see a gorgeous brunette walk past. Davey thinks I have something wrong with me and my indecisiveness has him convinced that I am a true nut case. With that said, I tried to remember what I loved about being a blonde, after all I had been a blonde the first 21 years of my life, it had only been the past 6 years that I had embraced my dark roots. I remembered Sophia Coppola's movie The Virgin Suicides and the strength in numbers the sisters had with their fair hair. I remember watching the film and feeling a kinship with the girls because of our similar tresses and was pretty sure that blondes were superior. This opinion very rarely changed, and it wasn't until 2-3 years into having my hair black that I realized hair color means nothing and that I felt just as beautiful with black hair as I did blonde.

Fast forward to October 2010, loads of 30 volume bleach on my hair, 6 inches of length cut off, and a look that threw me back into newport beach, I felt underwhelmed and emotionally nostalgic for my dark hair. While I was looking at the mirror after the initial blow dry, Nick Cave's 'Black Hair' played in my mind and I thought about all of memories with dark hair and suddenly I began to regret this decision of mine. So here we are week 2 of this mess, and I still can't come to grip with this hair decision. I think about The Virgin Suicides, about Chloe Sevigny and Marianne Faithful, wearing my boots in su-su-sugartown and I really don't know if I am a lifelong member of this elusive club anymore. Pictures of Priscilla Presley in the white wedding gown are all I can think of, and Hey Jupiter is playing in the background... so is it the shower or the bath?

to love is to lose and to lose is to die.

just let it go.

every now and then it seems ok to dive into my life since you don't really know who I am, only that we share a common person. i don't think it is me so much me that you are interested in but rather facing the guilt you must have, or maybe the hatred you feel for me. maybe it was that you were never enough.

looking forward to singing this song.

Well we're movin on up,
To the east side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin on up,
To the east side.
We finally got a piece of the pie.


another dose of bad news today, I did not pass the cset. I am sick and tired of feeling this low. I have been out of a job for almost a year and it doesn't look like anything will change anytime soon. No one gives a rats that I am more than half way through my masters degree, no one gives a damn that I worked full time and finished off my last half of college working 40+hours a week and it seems to me that the more stupid, uneducated and under qualified a person is the more likely they are to find a job these days.

It's hard to stay positive at these times when I am a natural pessimist and I literally live on the pennies thrown to me from unemployment. I don't think I could get a job at mcdonalds if i tried and as sad as it is, my unemployment checks pay me more than a 40 hour work week would at any type of place like that.

another birthday around the corner.

Well, today is the last day in September which means that my birthday is coming up. My two best friends from college all have birthdays close to one another. Royale goes first with her September 28th festivities followed by Christina on October 3rd and my birthday on October 24th. Initially, this year seamed rather non-productive to say the least but as I thought more about my life and where it is headed I suppose this year was an excellent transition year. I completed the majority of my masters degree and teaching credential, I put law school aside to focus on education, Davey and I planned the majority of our wedding, and I let go of a lot of my past that had placed a burden in my life. This is my last birthday as Lauren Stanley and I am having a bit of a struggle with that. I don't know how most women do it. How can we be expected to go through our whole life with one name and then trade it in for something else. I know we don't have to do it, but it is expected if you plan to have children. Most people and women especially want to have the same last name as their children. I just prefer my last name because it is all I have ever known. In addition, I love love LOVE first names as last names. True Stanley sounds like an old man's name and the very thought of it brings memories of the landlord from Three's Company but it is my last name as well and one that I honestly love.

Throughout my life I have been called Stanley by my friends. In fact I think I identify more with my last name than my first. The only people that call me Lauren would be my dad and David (sometimes). In fact I have all sorts of crazy names come to think of it. My mom calls me geowah pronounced (gew), David calls me Booj or Boojie pronounced (boo-jh), Shab calls me Billy, and the majority of my friends call me Lo or Lolo. Lolo has been a nickname of mine for the longest dating back to highschool. In fact it was given to me after being obsessed with the Dr. Dre album Chronic 2001. In the album there is a song called Still Dre and in the song there is a lyric sung by Snoop Dogg that says "Still hitting them corners on the low-low's girl." My friend Holly decided between our lunch break and fifth period that she would start calling me Lolo and so it was. The addition of the St. Lolo came in during my obsession with the film Party Monster and more importantly the character James St. James played by Seth Green. In 2003 I was in college and I thought I was in my prime. It was obvious to anyone that I was a huge dramatic bitch and I thought I was really something to say the least. Whenever I would get in a real diva mood or get really bitchy (don't these two go hand in hand?), I would be told by Royale and Christina that I was in Lolo St. Lolo mode. This name became infectious during the rise of Myspace and I was going out all of the time in la and people actually thought my last name was St. Lolo! Surprisingly it was that name that got me a lot of things in my life from years 2003-2006 and it made me a very small fish in the la club scene.

After meeting David in January 2006, my life took a huge change of direction. Davey never called me Lo or Lolo because that is all my previous boyfriend had ever called me. That pretty much ended the use of Lo or Lolo on a daily basis for me because I spent every minute of my life with David. A lot changed very quickly, I stopped going out every night of the week, we bought our first cat Beardsley aka Beards together and we moved in together shortly after meeting each other. We traveled a lot. London, France, Wales everything was in our access and we were very lucky to experience all of that traveling at such a young age and early stage in our relationship. David admittedly doesn't like calling me Lauren so he created the nickname Booj as a solution to his problem with my name. I liked the nickname right away and it stuck immediately. What I don't like right away however is changing my last name. I feel that it will be hard to let go of and will be a transformation of who I am. I suppose in the end however it is just another change to the many alterations my life has witnessed and at the end of the day no one really cares but me. Here's to one more year of Stanley.

dreams

I have always had intense dreams since I was a child. I have terrible nightmares three-four times a week where I literally am so shaken up by them I try my hardest not to go back to sleep for fear of continuing the dreams. Most of the time I will pull the sheets over my head and curl my head under the side of David's back so that I feel like I am hiding. I have read dream books etc.. and a lot of makes sense but there is a lot of darkness that I dream about that I have no idea where it comes from. The past few days I have been able to sleep through the night without any nightmares and it has been such a sigh of relief. I want to be able to let go on all my fears and move on.

parent inspiration

My parents have been married for 38 years this year and it is without a doubt the biggest encouragement for me as I plan the wedding for next year. Looking through old photographs and seeing the smiles on my parents faces truly makes an impact on the substantial amount of love I feel for marriage and sharing your life with someone. I want to find a way to incorporate their photos in with photos of David and I for the wedding but I haven't been able to come up with something that isn't overtly cheesy and/or completely appearing to be a death dedication to parents that have passed but are certainly very much alive and attending the wedding!

what's a wedding without a church?

I never thought I would get married in a church, that is until I met David. We found the perfect setting to our orthodox wedding and it will be absolutely marvelous to have such a beautiful place play a lead role in our special day. I present to you:

oh dear

i never thought it would be possible to love wedding dresses so much, I don't think I could ever get sick of looking at these just for the simple pleasure of whimsy.

will it ever come?

the family, the house, the real job? this recession is putting my life on hold and i am supposed to watch shows like the real housewives of beverly hills in my 700 square foot apartment and feel good about myself?

and we're booked!

Wedding is set! Venue is booked and we are ready to let the real planning begin. First deposit down and $3678293748292 dollars later, I will be Mrs. Williams, yeowwww.

Brain Spillage.

As I continue on with my Masters Degree, it becomes less about myself and more about my future family. The ideas that drive me to do well in this program are thinking about the future children I want to have and the opportunities I want to provide for them. Davey and I are on the same page with this and it is so nice to share my life with a man that believes in me and also drives himself to be successful and educated. There was a substantial void in the majority of my past relationships because the majority of the men I was with were dumb as rocks or did not respect the foundation of a solid education. I know with David, I have a man that will correct my grammar or atrocious spelling and not ever get to the point of being threatened by each other. I am definitely growing up this year, BIG TIME.

All I think about most of the time is family. There is little left in life that brings me such joy as spending time with my parents. Davey and I spend so much time with them it is truly as if they live down the street even though they now live 55 miles away. I have lost touch with the majority of my family apart from my parents. Every time I make an effort with my sister I get responses like 'We'll see' or 'I am just too busy' so often that at this point I have decided to give up trying. It really is too bad because I really love my sister and I feel that I could be a huge stress reliever in her life if she ever gave me the chance. It's funny to think that I have never once babysat my nephew. Not once, and he is five years old. Our friends trust us with their children, but somehow my own family doesn't. It is so beyond hurtful I have also given up on trying to convince my sister that I am a capable babysitter. This is all just the tip of the iceberg really. I often feel so upset and hurt by it all I can't even say anything, I just hold it all in and let it become toxic.

Sometimes I think when my parents die, I will feel like I have no family apart from Davey. I feel that this fear is a huge reason why I want to have a large family myself. I have never been very good about being alone. In my youth I would say I loved being alone because I thought it was the cool thing to say, but truly I hate it and I try very hard to spend as little time alone as possible. In my entire life I have spent only one night alone. It was horrible, and I remember the night like it was yesterday. Keeping all of the lights on and staying awake through the night. I would doze off and then immediately wake myself up for fear of not being alert if an intruder was going to come in. Once it was 4:45 am or around that time there was just enough light out for me to go upstairs and get in my bed with the dogs. I put the tv on and Fresh Prince of Bel Air was on tv land. I felt comforted by that and I was able to sleep until noon with no problem. I must have some kind of arrested development or peter pan syndrome. Nostalgia leaks out of me so often it is hard to remind myself of the present most of the time.

possible wedding dates

So at this point we have ventured through the calendar to find a date that worked for David's orthodox fasting days as well as not disrupting close friends or family members birthdays/anniversaries/holidays/sporting events and bad weather history. We have come up with a few dates but I am feeling like July 24th will be the date in the end. We found some amazing save the dates that I think are absolutely adorable and totally our personalities and I can't wait to book the reception and church so that we may order the save the dates. David and I have been engaged for 2 years so it is absolutely bizarre to here people telling us congratulations when we are looking at venues. We had an excellent day of venue searching this week and David and I fell in love with the Darlington House. The Park Hyatt was beautiful but I am unsure as to whether or not it is more of a venue for my parents than David and I. It is hard to say because my taste varies substantially and I fall in love easily with a lot of places.

potential wedding venues

Oh Darlington. You had me at your name, darlington. You look like you came out of my dreams, and you offer me such an eccentric, historical and quaint destination wedding that I think I am in love with you before I have even met you. Last weekend David, my parents and I took a drive down to La Jolla and walked the outside of the Darlington only to be even more bewitched by it's presence due to their massive 15 foot rod iron gates. Here are a few photos that I have managed to scavenger from the web and I absolutely cannot wait for our official tour appointment on Tuesday where I will get the full view of everything this beauty has to offer.

hey uk

see you in October.

offspring

i hope that if Davey and I have a son he ends up being as cute as this little boy.






and I've said it before, but if you have not seen this movie, please see it before the american version comes out and ruins the film for everyone.

decisions decisions

forever and always

the love of my life

miu miu duchesse

Leave it to me to get the most boring pair out of the collection, but since this was all I could find in the price range I was willing to pay, I have to take what I could get. I am in love with these and cannot imagine how amazing it would be to own a few of the more 'show stopping' gems bellow...

inifinite inspiration

11 pounds outta here!

So I have lost 11 pounds in the past two months and I am happy to report that I am finally fitting in some dresses that I haven't been able to get into for the past year! It's easy to blame Davey and suggest that being in a relationship has allowed me the grace to slip from one dress size to the other but in all honesty I am a foodie. I was thinking about how out of hand I allowed my eating habits to get as well as how little I focused on exercise and gym time. Going to the gym 5 days a week seemed like something an insane person would do, now I feel insane if I don't go 5 times a week. Switching to a vegan diet is one of the best things that I did for myself as well as something that is not as difficult as one perceived. I would like to lose another 20 pounds and by then I should be back to the weight I was when I was 22. While I know that I am now 27 and my body is much different now, I feel much stronger now and have a lot more muscle. I have always had a larger bust and wide hips, my waist has always been small thanks to my mom's side of the family so I am realistic about the expectations I have on my body. I will never look like my skinny friends. I would love to be able to be that skinny for a few days but unfortunately I have curves and boobs and those things no matter what my weight is will just never go away.

I still have a lot of weight to lose, especially in my thighs and arms. I hope by my birthday I will achieve another 15 pounds lost.

eek!

So many things I want to buy... there are too many pretty things in this world. Chloe three strap ballet flats why oh why! I have no self control when it comes to clothing. davey said something to me the other day that is so obvious and yet so disturbing to think about. He told me he didn't understand the need for so many material things in our nature because at the end of the day (literally, as in when we die) we leave the earth with nothing. None of the items that we feel we own are truly ours, and for the most part they will out live us (with the exception of some of my cheap f21 purchases). This really upset me in a way that is comparable to telling a child that there is no santa clause. oh dear.

to showcase how bad it has been...

everything in the photos are items i have purchased in the past month! i need help. someone needs to take my computer away from me.