wedding dress shopping

Sunday will be my first day to go wedding shopping and I am dreading it more than I am looking forward to the results. First of all, I am in limbo with my hair so I feel very unsure of myself in general let alone sure of making decisions of what I want to wear when I get married. I also don't like the fact that David won't be there with me when I try on my dress because I shop with him more than I do my best girlfriends and he has wonderful taste in clothing. It seems weird to be making a big decision without him because I have had him with me on each one the past five years.

On a different note, I know I want to dye my hair back to dark. I feel so foolish ruining my hair by stripping it out and turning my hair into a scraggly pony tail filled with hay. I suppose you live and learn...I just wish my hair didn't have to be the sacrifice. I am thinking about beginning a new blog that will transition me from this blog into my family blog. I plan on having children very soon after the wedding and I want to keep everything documented so that it will always be accessible to look at.

I am embarrassed of 90% of the things I have written on this blog and I think I will ultimately want to walk away from it all together because I feel like a child when I re-read through some of the entries. Life is silly, and it is time for me grow up and drop petty ideas and focus on the things that really make me happy.

I passed all three subtests of the CSET and the written exam so I am free to student teach as soon as possible. I can't wait to have a real job doing something I love. I can't even fathom how amazing it will be to engage in an activity that doesn't require customer service or helping people with makeup.

i wish this would be your colour

documenting life

I keep this blog for no other reason than for myself, so why do I write in a way that is cautious? I am over it. Maybe I need to start a new blog, but honestly I am over the pretense. If I feel fat as hell and want to talk about how gross I feel about myself I should just spill it. I spent too much of my life worried about people and their perception of me. Ultimately, no matter how hard I try or how nice I am too most people, I always am looked at like a cold hearted bitch. So there you have it.

I go back to read some of my previous entries and honestly, I am flat out embarrassed of 90% of my writing. I worry too much about lame stuff and not enough stress on the truly magnificent things in life. Tomorrow I am going back to the gym because I have gained too much weight and my ass and face are huge. Too comfortable with life and it got the best of me. I hate the way I look in photos where my back is turned to the camera. I look like a refrigerator and I need to get a grip on the sitch before it gets too late.

virgin suicides

Today, while I was looking through photos of black hair brides and blonde hair brides I couldn't come to terms with my new found blondeness. In fact, I truly miss my dark locks and have a problem holding back my oohs and aahs whenever I see a gorgeous brunette walk past. Davey thinks I have something wrong with me and my indecisiveness has him convinced that I am a true nut case. With that said, I tried to remember what I loved about being a blonde, after all I had been a blonde the first 21 years of my life, it had only been the past 6 years that I had embraced my dark roots. I remembered Sophia Coppola's movie The Virgin Suicides and the strength in numbers the sisters had with their fair hair. I remember watching the film and feeling a kinship with the girls because of our similar tresses and was pretty sure that blondes were superior. This opinion very rarely changed, and it wasn't until 2-3 years into having my hair black that I realized hair color means nothing and that I felt just as beautiful with black hair as I did blonde.

Fast forward to October 2010, loads of 30 volume bleach on my hair, 6 inches of length cut off, and a look that threw me back into newport beach, I felt underwhelmed and emotionally nostalgic for my dark hair. While I was looking at the mirror after the initial blow dry, Nick Cave's 'Black Hair' played in my mind and I thought about all of memories with dark hair and suddenly I began to regret this decision of mine. So here we are week 2 of this mess, and I still can't come to grip with this hair decision. I think about The Virgin Suicides, about Chloe Sevigny and Marianne Faithful, wearing my boots in su-su-sugartown and I really don't know if I am a lifelong member of this elusive club anymore. Pictures of Priscilla Presley in the white wedding gown are all I can think of, and Hey Jupiter is playing in the background... so is it the shower or the bath?

to love is to lose and to lose is to die.

just let it go.

every now and then it seems ok to dive into my life since you don't really know who I am, only that we share a common person. i don't think it is me so much me that you are interested in but rather facing the guilt you must have, or maybe the hatred you feel for me. maybe it was that you were never enough.

looking forward to singing this song.

Well we're movin on up,
To the east side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin on up,
To the east side.
We finally got a piece of the pie.


another dose of bad news today, I did not pass the cset. I am sick and tired of feeling this low. I have been out of a job for almost a year and it doesn't look like anything will change anytime soon. No one gives a rats that I am more than half way through my masters degree, no one gives a damn that I worked full time and finished off my last half of college working 40+hours a week and it seems to me that the more stupid, uneducated and under qualified a person is the more likely they are to find a job these days.

It's hard to stay positive at these times when I am a natural pessimist and I literally live on the pennies thrown to me from unemployment. I don't think I could get a job at mcdonalds if i tried and as sad as it is, my unemployment checks pay me more than a 40 hour work week would at any type of place like that.