OMG

they were all there

in gowns and beauty make up. reminding me of what has been lost and what i need to recapture. i was frightened in los angeles, downtown to be exact. 6:41 am i wake up in a sweat, and feel depressed as ever. i remember what it was like to get those looks from you.

goodbye childhood home

so my parents have packed up the last remaining boxes from the house I grew up in. I can't begin to describe the huge loss I feel walking out of the only house I have ever known. With the exception of living in Long Beach for four years and my current apartment with Davey, I have lived in that house my whole life and never thought I would see the day that I would watch it go to someone else. As with any house, my home is a place that shares several good times and bad times, starts of friendships and losses of friendships, birthday parties, family get togethers, holidays, wedding showers, a place to return after an argument with a boyfriend, a hide out from the world, and a place to feel safe. Today I drove to the house after my parents had left and went inside the empty house and sat in our living room and thought about what this house meant to me and how it will always be home to me. Nothing can ever replace the feeling of home, perhaps nothing can ever replace the way a child looks to home for shelter and a place to feel loved. I can't imagine anyone else living in my house. When I met the new owners of the home I felt angry and violated and I wanted to kick them out of my house. The idea of them changing anything or removing anything from the house seemed so wrong. The idea of returning to the home only to find they have removed my fathers olive tree that he had such pride in for the past 30 years, or seeing other children running out on the lawn that used to be mine I think would make me sick. I am afraid to return to the home for fear of feeling alone, but I know that I will return one day and I hope that I am strong enough to face it. A huge loss like this may seem trivial to someone else, but to me it is huge. Since the discussion of losing my home came into fruition in December and when the house went into escrow in February I have began feeling an overwhelming sense of wanting children and a home and to be a true adult. I really want to be a mom soon but I still feel like a child in so many ways. goodbye childhood, hello blackbird.

my beauts makes my life

if i could be in love

if i could be in love with any album in the whole entire world, i would choose to devote my love to nick cave's album 'no more shall we part.' it seems to be impossibly perfect at every moment of the day and in any mood i could possibly be in. nick cave has lit my soul.

oc restaurants week

you kill me.

goodbye fat ass

working out to lady gaga makes me feel as gay as badgers tail and I love every minute of it. I seriously feel I have made the perfect workout mix ever with bowie, gaga, lou reed, vnv and dij. at this rate I will be back in my old jeans in no time!