goodbye youth

our wedding.

2011-08-24T13:38:00.001-07:00

Wedding Preview: David and Lauren from The Cana Family on Vimeo.

time keeps on slippin'

2011-07-17T15:23:00.000-07:00

Where have the past 2 months gone? In just 2 more weeks from today I will be married to my best friend and we will be on our way to starting the best time of our lives. I can't wait to be Mrs. Williams. In the past week I have accomplished so much I really am pleased with how everything has turned out. I had a beautiful bridal shower that was complete with me making a total ass out of myself, drinking sangria out of mason jars and eating rainbow meringue cookies!

Here is my amazing Dad setting up my bridal shower for me by hanging these adorable, rainbow origami hearts:

Some of the beautiful, highlighted images from my shower:

The plates are from my friend Kate who runs an event planning site Sugarbaker and Toad

My notes caddy filled with super-fun pencils from anthropologie in a mason jar and vintage Lauren photos!

My parent's dreamy back yard played the perfect back drop to my shower.

We had three large apothecary jars with spigots for our guests to indulge on sangria, margaritas and iced tea!

the candy bar complete with penguin classics!

In addition to all the delicious treats, my sister created some fun games to keep everyone entertained!

My friends Royale and Sam helped me create these roseballs by hand and they were really a great detail to our centerpieces.

Some of the most touching and heartfelt notes I have ever read were placed on this clothesline:

I was spoiled!

Royale and my mom, both played a huge role in making the day go smoothly:

Everyone looked so beautiful that day. I really couldn't have asked for a better day. I can't wait to have even more fun on the big day and see all of my ideas come to life. So blessed, really everyone should get married to experience such an overwhelming amount of love and support. Bachelorette party coming up this weekend so the festivities continue!

countdown

2011-05-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

it is a strange feeling to receive the invitiation to your own bridal shower!

never again.

2011-05-18T22:30:00.000-07:00

i will never dye my hair black again nor bleach my hair ever again.

London Bound

2011-04-07T08:07:00.000-07:00

David and I are leaving for London today for his sister's wedding. All I can think about is how much I will miss my family and my cats. It's strange that I am not as excited about leaving as I typically am. Unfortunately, the older I get the more I turn into a recluse. At least this time around I have my iphone with me for constant hours of entertainment. Currently, I have Let England Shake on repeat for hours and I am oddly looking forward to listening to it during take off. I am also looking forward to purchasing my diorshow mascara duty free, an odd tradition I created when I first began to travel a lot during college. There will be plenty of beautiful things to look at and to discover while I am out there but I just wish I could bottle up my family and cats and take them with me!

dance me to the end of love

2011-03-17T01:44:00.001-07:00

FTW

2011-03-03T15:17:00.000-08:00

celebration

2011-02-10T16:13:00.001-08:00

So, I was taking a look at my degree progress report today and I was shocked to see that my Masters degree will be complete in July. While this news was exciting, I paid more attention to my nails where I attempted but sort-of failed this look:

goodbye blonde

2011-02-08T12:21:00.001-08:00

channeling kelly bundy

2011-01-05T18:38:00.000-08:00

Our monthly photobooth shoot has me fearful of my hair abandonment. I know the ombre look was trendy for 2010 but this is on dangerous white trash territory.

January Wedding Post

2011-01-05T12:27:00.001-08:00

So ever since the start of the new year, I am anxiously planning more details of the wedding. Even though I have 7 more months of planning, I feel like time will zoom past me in a flash and I have a fear of everything not coming together properly.

Wedding Checklist (Completed Items)

1. Wedding Dress
2. Photographer
3. Videographer
4. Venue (Ceremony)
5. Venue (Reception)

To Do List (To be finished by February 1, 2011)

1. Book florist
2. Caterer
3. Band/DJ
4. Cake
5. Tent/Twinkle lights
6. Linens/Cutlery/Stemware
7. Staff.
8. Order Invitations

Between all the hub-bub of planning a wedding, Davey and I are attempting to plan a trip either to Santa Barbara or San Francisco. We are incredibly due for a vacation and we both have been working very hard over the past few months.

Over the Christmas/New Year Holiday we spent some time in San Diego to visit my parents. It is always nice to take a drive down South to visit such a beautiful coastal town. We also spent a lot of time with friends from all over and it was nice to see some friends that I haven't seen in months! We took some photos on my new Rebel camera that Davey bought me for my birthday. Even though I love taking photos I am not the greatest photographer but somehow the Rebel makes me look more like a pro!

My Parents dog, Snowchubbs or Chubbs for short always loves having his photo taken!

What a ham he is.

We spent a lot of time at Disneyland this year since we both enjoy the way it is decorated and the overwhelming amount of 'Christmas Vibe' that we love!

Davey took the Toy Story ride very seriously that day!

Our last day at Disneyland for 2010! Passes definitely paid for themselves this year

wedding dress shopping

2010-12-08T15:53:00.000-08:00

Sunday will be my first day to go wedding shopping and I am dreading it more than I am looking forward to the results. First of all, I am in limbo with my hair so I feel very unsure of myself in general let alone sure of making decisions of what I want to wear when I get married. I also don't like the fact that David won't be there with me when I try on my dress because I shop with him more than I do my best girlfriends and he has wonderful taste in clothing. It seems weird to be making a big decision without him because I have had him with me on each one the past five years.

On a different note, I know I want to dye my hair back to dark. I feel so foolish ruining my hair by stripping it out and turning my hair into a scraggly pony tail filled with hay. I suppose you live and learn...I just wish my hair didn't have to be the sacrifice. I am thinking about beginning a new blog that will transition me from this blog into my family blog. I plan on having children very soon after the wedding and I want to keep everything documented so that it will always be accessible to look at.

I am embarrassed of 90% of the things I have written on this blog and I think I will ultimately want to walk away from it all together because I feel like a child when I re-read through some of the entries. Life is silly, and it is time for me grow up and drop petty ideas and focus on the things that really make me happy.

I passed all three subtests of the CSET and the written exam so I am free to student teach as soon as possible. I can't wait to have a real job doing something I love. I can't even fathom how amazing it will be to engage in an activity that doesn't require customer service or helping people with makeup.

i wish this would be your colour

2010-11-28T18:41:00.000-08:00

documenting life

2010-11-03T21:34:00.000-07:00

I keep this blog for no other reason than for myself, so why do I write in a way that is cautious? I am over it. Maybe I need to start a new blog, but honestly I am over the pretense. If I feel fat as hell and want to talk about how gross I feel about myself I should just spill it. I spent too much of my life worried about people and their perception of me. Ultimately, no matter how hard I try or how nice I am too most people, I always am looked at like a cold hearted bitch. So there you have it.

I go back to read some of my previous entries and honestly, I am flat out embarrassed of 90% of my writing. I worry too much about lame stuff and not enough stress on the truly magnificent things in life. Tomorrow I am going back to the gym because I have gained too much weight and my ass and face are huge. Too comfortable with life and it got the best of me. I hate the way I look in photos where my back is turned to the camera. I look like a refrigerator and I need to get a grip on the sitch before it gets too late.

virgin suicides

2010-10-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

Today, while I was looking through photos of black hair brides and blonde hair brides I couldn't come to terms with my new found blondeness. In fact, I truly miss my dark locks and have a problem holding back my oohs and aahs whenever I see a gorgeous brunette walk past. Davey thinks I have something wrong with me and my indecisiveness has him convinced that I am a true nut case. With that said, I tried to remember what I loved about being a blonde, after all I had been a blonde the first 21 years of my life, it had only been the past 6 years that I had embraced my dark roots. I remembered Sophia Coppola's movie The Virgin Suicides and the strength in numbers the sisters had with their fair hair. I remember watching the film and feeling a kinship with the girls because of our similar tresses and was pretty sure that blondes were superior. This opinion very rarely changed, and it wasn't until 2-3 years into having my hair black that I realized hair color means nothing and that I felt just as beautiful with black hair as I did blonde.

Fast forward to October 2010, loads of 30 volume bleach on my hair, 6 inches of length cut off, and a look that threw me back into newport beach, I felt underwhelmed and emotionally nostalgic for my dark hair. While I was looking at the mirror after the initial blow dry, Nick Cave's 'Black Hair' played in my mind and I thought about all of memories with dark hair and suddenly I began to regret this decision of mine. So here we are week 2 of this mess, and I still can't come to grip with this hair decision. I think about The Virgin Suicides, about Chloe Sevigny and Marianne Faithful, wearing my boots in su-su-sugartown and I really don't know if I am a lifelong member of this elusive club anymore. Pictures of Priscilla Presley in the white wedding gown are all I can think of, and Hey Jupiter is playing in the background... so is it the shower or the bath?

to love is to lose and to lose is to die.

2010-10-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

just let it go.

2010-10-13T14:32:00.000-07:00

every now and then it seems ok to dive into my life since you don't really know who I am, only that we share a common person. i don't think it is me so much me that you are interested in but rather facing the guilt you must have, or maybe the hatred you feel for me. maybe it was that you were never enough.

looking forward to singing this song.

2010-10-04T17:32:00.001-07:00

Well we're movin on up,
To the east side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin on up,
To the east side.
We finally got a piece of the pie.

another dose of bad news today, I did not pass the cset. I am sick and tired of feeling this low. I have been out of a job for almost a year and it doesn't look like anything will change anytime soon. No one gives a rats that I am more than half way through my masters degree, no one gives a damn that I worked full time and finished off my last half of college working 40+hours a week and it seems to me that the more stupid, uneducated and under qualified a person is the more likely they are to find a job these days.

It's hard to stay positive at these times when I am a natural pessimist and I literally live on the pennies thrown to me from unemployment. I don't think I could get a job at mcdonalds if i tried and as sad as it is, my unemployment checks pay me more than a 40 hour work week would at any type of place like that.

another birthday around the corner.

2010-09-30T08:08:00.000-07:00

Well, today is the last day in September which means that my birthday is coming up. My two best friends from college all have birthdays close to one another. Royale goes first with her September 28th festivities followed by Christina on October 3rd and my birthday on October 24th. Initially, this year seamed rather non-productive to say the least but as I thought more about my life and where it is headed I suppose this year was an excellent transition year. I completed the majority of my masters degree and teaching credential, I put law school aside to focus on education, Davey and I planned the majority of our wedding, and I let go of a lot of my past that had placed a burden in my life. This is my last birthday as Lauren Stanley and I am having a bit of a struggle with that. I don't know how most women do it. How can we be expected to go through our whole life with one name and then trade it in for something else. I know we don't have to do it, but it is expected if you plan to have children. Most people and women especially want to have the same last name as their children. I just prefer my last name because it is all I have ever known. In addition, I love love LOVE first names as last names. True Stanley sounds like an old man's name and the very thought of it brings memories of the landlord from Three's Company but it is my last name as well and one that I honestly love.

Throughout my life I have been called Stanley by my friends. In fact I think I identify more with my last name than my first. The only people that call me Lauren would be my dad and David (sometimes). In fact I have all sorts of crazy names come to think of it. My mom calls me geowah pronounced (gew), David calls me Booj or Boojie pronounced (boo-jh), Shab calls me Billy, and the majority of my friends call me Lo or Lolo. Lolo has been a nickname of mine for the longest dating back to highschool. In fact it was given to me after being obsessed with the Dr. Dre album Chronic 2001. In the album there is a song called Still Dre and in the song there is a lyric sung by Snoop Dogg that says "Still hitting them corners on the low-low's girl." My friend Holly decided between our lunch break and fifth period that she would start calling me Lolo and so it was. The addition of the St. Lolo came in during my obsession with the film Party Monster and more importantly the character James St. James played by Seth Green. In 2003 I was in college and I thought I was in my prime. It was obvious to anyone that I was a huge dramatic bitch and I thought I was really something to say the least. Whenever I would get in a real diva mood or get really bitchy (don't these two go hand in hand?), I would be told by Royale and Christina that I was in Lolo St. Lolo mode. This name became infectious during the rise of Myspace and I was going out all of the time in la and people actually thought my last name was St. Lolo! Surprisingly it was that name that got me a lot of things in my life from years 2003-2006 and it made me a very small fish in the la club scene.

After meeting David in January 2006, my life took a huge change of direction. Davey never called me Lo or Lolo because that is all my previous boyfriend had ever called me. That pretty much ended the use of Lo or Lolo on a daily basis for me because I spent every minute of my life with David. A lot changed very quickly, I stopped going out every night of the week, we bought our first cat Beardsley aka Beards together and we moved in together shortly after meeting each other. We traveled a lot. London, France, Wales everything was in our access and we were very lucky to experience all of that traveling at such a young age and early stage in our relationship. David admittedly doesn't like calling me Lauren so he created the nickname Booj as a solution to his problem with my name. I liked the nickname right away and it stuck immediately. What I don't like right away however is changing my last name. I feel that it will be hard to let go of and will be a transformation of who I am. I suppose in the end however it is just another change to the many alterations my life has witnessed and at the end of the day no one really cares but me. Here's to one more year of Stanley.

dreams

2010-09-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

I have always had intense dreams since I was a child. I have terrible nightmares three-four times a week where I literally am so shaken up by them I try my hardest not to go back to sleep for fear of continuing the dreams. Most of the time I will pull the sheets over my head and curl my head under the side of David's back so that I feel like I am hiding. I have read dream books etc.. and a lot of makes sense but there is a lot of darkness that I dream about that I have no idea where it comes from. The past few days I have been able to sleep through the night without any nightmares and it has been such a sigh of relief. I want to be able to let go on all my fears and move on.

parent inspiration

2010-09-17T12:01:00.000-07:00

My parents have been married for 38 years this year and it is without a doubt the biggest encouragement for me as I plan the wedding for next year. Looking through old photographs and seeing the smiles on my parents faces truly makes an impact on the substantial amount of love I feel for marriage and sharing your life with someone. I want to find a way to incorporate their photos in with photos of David and I for the wedding but I haven't been able to come up with something that isn't overtly cheesy and/or completely appearing to be a death dedication to parents that have passed but are certainly very much alive and attending the wedding!

what's a wedding without a church?

2010-09-03T20:44:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would get married in a church, that is until I met David. We found the perfect setting to our orthodox wedding and it will be absolutely marvelous to have such a beautiful place play a lead role in our special day. I present to you:

oh dear

2010-09-03T15:31:00.000-07:00

i never thought it would be possible to love wedding dresses so much, I don't think I could ever get sick of looking at these just for the simple pleasure of whimsy.

will it ever come?

2010-08-31T16:23:00.000-07:00

the family, the house, the real job? this recession is putting my life on hold and i am supposed to watch shows like the real housewives of beverly hills in my 700 square foot apartment and feel good about myself?

and we're booked!

2010-08-16T16:03:00.000-07:00

Wedding is set! Venue is booked and we are ready to let the real planning begin. First deposit down and $3678293748292 dollars later, I will be Mrs. Williams, yeowwww.

Brain Spillage.

2010-08-13T16:15:00.001-07:00

As I continue on with my Masters Degree, it becomes less about myself and more about my future family. The ideas that drive me to do well in this program are thinking about the future children I want to have and the opportunities I want to provide for them. Davey and I are on the same page with this and it is so nice to share my life with a man that believes in me and also drives himself to be successful and educated. There was a substantial void in the majority of my past relationships because the majority of the men I was with were dumb as rocks or did not respect the foundation of a solid education. I know with David, I have a man that will correct my grammar or atrocious spelling and not ever get to the point of being threatened by each other. I am definitely growing up this year, BIG TIME.

All I think about most of the time is family. There is little left in life that brings me such joy as spending time with my parents. Davey and I spend so much time with them it is truly as if they live down the street even though they now live 55 miles away. I have lost touch with the majority of my family apart from my parents. Every time I make an effort with my sister I get responses like 'We'll see' or 'I am just too busy' so often that at this point I have decided to give up trying. It really is too bad because I really love my sister and I feel that I could be a huge stress reliever in her life if she ever gave me the chance. It's funny to think that I have never once babysat my nephew. Not once, and he is five years old. Our friends trust us with their children, but somehow my own family doesn't. It is so beyond hurtful I have also given up on trying to convince my sister that I am a capable babysitter. This is all just the tip of the iceberg really. I often feel so upset and hurt by it all I can't even say anything, I just hold it all in and let it become toxic.

Sometimes I think when my parents die, I will feel like I have no family apart from Davey. I feel that this fear is a huge reason why I want to have a large family myself. I have never been very good about being alone. In my youth I would say I loved being alone because I thought it was the cool thing to say, but truly I hate it and I try very hard to spend as little time alone as possible. In my entire life I have spent only one night alone. It was horrible, and I remember the night like it was yesterday. Keeping all of the lights on and staying awake through the night. I would doze off and then immediately wake myself up for fear of not being alert if an intruder was going to come in. Once it was 4:45 am or around that time there was just enough light out for me to go upstairs and get in my bed with the dogs. I put the tv on and Fresh Prince of Bel Air was on tv land. I felt comforted by that and I was able to sleep until noon with no problem. I must have some kind of arrested development or peter pan syndrome. Nostalgia leaks out of me so often it is hard to remind myself of the present most of the time.

possible wedding dates

2010-08-06T15:31:00.000-07:00

So at this point we have ventured through the calendar to find a date that worked for David's orthodox fasting days as well as not disrupting close friends or family members birthdays/anniversaries/holidays/sporting events and bad weather history. We have come up with a few dates but I am feeling like July 24th will be the date in the end. We found some amazing save the dates that I think are absolutely adorable and totally our personalities and I can't wait to book the reception and church so that we may order the save the dates. David and I have been engaged for 2 years so it is absolutely bizarre to here people telling us congratulations when we are looking at venues. We had an excellent day of venue searching this week and David and I fell in love with the Darlington House. The Park Hyatt was beautiful but I am unsure as to whether or not it is more of a venue for my parents than David and I. It is hard to say because my taste varies substantially and I fall in love easily with a lot of places.

potential wedding venues

2010-07-28T23:22:00.000-07:00

Oh Darlington. You had me at your name, darlington. You look like you came out of my dreams, and you offer me such an eccentric, historical and quaint destination wedding that I think I am in love with you before I have even met you. Last weekend David, my parents and I took a drive down to La Jolla and walked the outside of the Darlington only to be even more bewitched by it's presence due to their massive 15 foot rod iron gates. Here are a few photos that I have managed to scavenger from the web and I absolutely cannot wait for our official tour appointment on Tuesday where I will get the full view of everything this beauty has to offer.

hey uk

2010-07-17T13:25:00.001-07:00

see you in October.

offspring

2010-07-11T10:37:00.000-07:00

i hope that if Davey and I have a son he ends up being as cute as this little boy.

and I've said it before, but if you have not seen this movie, please see it before the american version comes out and ruins the film for everyone.

decisions decisions

2010-07-07T15:00:00.001-07:00

forever and always

2010-07-04T11:01:00.001-07:00

the love of my life

miu miu duchesse

2010-07-01T13:59:00.000-07:00

Leave it to me to get the most boring pair out of the collection, but since this was all I could find in the price range I was willing to pay, I have to take what I could get. I am in love with these and cannot imagine how amazing it would be to own a few of the more 'show stopping' gems bellow...

inifinite inspiration

2010-06-30T11:29:00.000-07:00

11 pounds outta here!

2010-06-24T11:53:00.000-07:00

So I have lost 11 pounds in the past two months and I am happy to report that I am finally fitting in some dresses that I haven't been able to get into for the past year! It's easy to blame Davey and suggest that being in a relationship has allowed me the grace to slip from one dress size to the other but in all honesty I am a foodie. I was thinking about how out of hand I allowed my eating habits to get as well as how little I focused on exercise and gym time. Going to the gym 5 days a week seemed like something an insane person would do, now I feel insane if I don't go 5 times a week. Switching to a vegan diet is one of the best things that I did for myself as well as something that is not as difficult as one perceived. I would like to lose another 20 pounds and by then I should be back to the weight I was when I was 22. While I know that I am now 27 and my body is much different now, I feel much stronger now and have a lot more muscle. I have always had a larger bust and wide hips, my waist has always been small thanks to my mom's side of the family so I am realistic about the expectations I have on my body. I will never look like my skinny friends. I would love to be able to be that skinny for a few days but unfortunately I have curves and boobs and those things no matter what my weight is will just never go away.

I still have a lot of weight to lose, especially in my thighs and arms. I hope by my birthday I will achieve another 15 pounds lost.

eek!

2010-06-24T08:44:00.001-07:00

So many things I want to buy... there are too many pretty things in this world. Chloe three strap ballet flats why oh why! I have no self control when it comes to clothing. davey said something to me the other day that is so obvious and yet so disturbing to think about. He told me he didn't understand the need for so many material things in our nature because at the end of the day (literally, as in when we die) we leave the earth with nothing. None of the items that we feel we own are truly ours, and for the most part they will out live us (with the exception of some of my cheap f21 purchases). This really upset me in a way that is comparable to telling a child that there is no santa clause. oh dear.

to showcase how bad it has been...

2010-06-22T16:01:00.000-07:00

everything in the photos are items i have purchased in the past month! i need help. someone needs to take my computer away from me.

joie de vivre

2010-06-17T21:58:00.000-07:00

dear ian

2010-06-10T16:29:00.000-07:00

I refuse to say your name because saying it would upset me and that is not the point of this letter after all. you have referred to yourself as Ian before, so if you are reading this you know this is written to you. I can't seem to pinpoint when I decided to be with you and ultimately when I decided to leave you, but what I do know is that I want you out now. Out of my nightmares, out of my fears and certainly out of my life. When you called me Christmas 2008 it had been over four years since we had last spoken, and quite honestly I had enjoyed every minute of it. The fact that you called me from a withheld number lets you know that even you knew you shouldn't be calling me. The truth is I stayed far too long with you because I was afraid of what you would do to me, and I was afraid of being alone. I suppose when you are 19 these are thoughts that are important to a young girl. Throughout our tumultuous relationship, I dreamt of being rescued by someone else. Preferably the frog, in fact almost certainly the frog. Throughout our relationship I would cry to the point of breaking blood vessels in my face, beg for something to take you away from me and ultimately for the frog to come back and for me to completely forget about you. Luckily for me, ironically your hidden secret Heather would be my savior. Who would have thought your girl on the side would actually be the one to spare me my life? Unfortunately the monster within you was much too strong to allow myself to completely let go of my fear of you, and unknowingly I would have the next 6 years to pay for my poor decision. Every man I chose to be in a relationship with since you has been made aware of you, the way you look, what you did to me and what you did to the others. I wanted to make sure that no matter where I was and no matter where they were, your name would have a face and your monster would be known. The point in this letter is to let you know that I have completely accepted the point of our relationship now, and I suspect you did not receive half as much learning experience from this as I have. Any submissive behavior that I had prior to the fruition of our relationship has since left me, and instead I have created my own monster myself. Some relationships have suffered because of you, and some relationships failed to begin because of you. I truly hate you. I hate what I allowed myself to be, and I hate that I lost so much of my life with such a reprehensible ass such as yourself. six years later and I am saying something I should have said years ago. i never loved you, when i was with you all you were was a face to speak to. when i cried and told you i was crying because i was beginning to have feelings for you, I was really crying because i wanted to be with the frog so badly I thought my heart would explode. when i would leave your place i would run to my car as quickly as i could because i was afraid sometimes that you would chase after me to hurt me. every moment had a reason. every excuse was a lie, and every moment i touched you i wanted to fucking die. goodbye asshole.

goodbye darlin'

2010-06-03T17:08:00.000-07:00

one woman who really reminded me of a true lady, a true hero, and a true pioneer. she did it all with grace, and she did it all so well. from broadway to television to animal activism, rue mcclanahan will always be dear in my heart and a woman to aspire to be. rest in peace darlin' safe journey to the top.

how is it possible?

2010-05-26T16:33:00.000-07:00

i have worked out the past 6 weeks, for five days a week, 90 minute work out and have only lost three pounds? 1200 calorie a day diet as well? are you kidding me?

goodbye blog?

2010-05-14T11:53:00.000-07:00

lately I have been so consumed with official wedding planning as well as my daily work out routine that I have forgotten to blog about my life. Actually, truth be told I have another blog that is private that I have been blogging with daily but I have realized that there are a lot of things in my life that I am just not comfortable sharing with everyone. I am a pretty open person as it is so I felt the need to add more privacy in my life as important. I am going through a huge psychological change right now and I have rearranged my life so substantially the past three months that I have to ensure I don't lose myself in the midst of the chaos. I finally quit smoking, gave up soda, gave up dairy, and work out five days a week for an hour and a half. It is a big change for me because the majority of my twenties were spent going out, having fun with my friends, drinking, smoking cigarettes, eating vegetarian but BAD vegetarian meals, not getting enough sleep and really not taking care of myself. I truly let myself go in every way possible, so as I try to sort myself back it is hard to find anything to blog about..so until then...it shouldn't be long.

the everyday

2010-04-27T15:45:00.000-07:00

everyday i do two loads of laundry, fold towels, sweep the bathroom floor, sweep the kitchen floor, vacuum the family room, vacuum the bedroom, workout for an hour, make sure there is not one dish or piece of silverware in the sink, drive davey to work or to church, clean the litterbox, feed the cats, make the bed, fluff the pillows, check the mail (except on sunday), listen to bach, write down my calories, go to starbucks, straighten up the kitchen, water the plants, drink some almond milk, go on facebook, read, online browsing, online shopping, look for my future home, lay next to my cats, watch the view, look for future jobs, finish my grad studies, obsess over chapman school of education for my phd, pick davey up from work or from church, think about smoking but be thankful that i quit, talk to my mom, talk to my dad, talk to the cats, and think how crazy i must come off to some people. these are honestly all things that i do everyday without fail.

sposa son disprezzata

2010-04-24T19:59:00.001-07:00

some people can carry a tune, while others can actually sing. for all of the so-called singers in this world, a true idol and a star is in Cecilia Bartoli. When I first began vocal lessons my coach told me I would be able to sing like her one day if I practiced every day. I never came close to being like her, but I can still sing along with her to vivaldi. This is one of my favorite songs to sing along to, especially the part from 4:20 onward. A truly amazing woman, and an icon in the opera world.

nothing beats 60s glamour

2010-04-18T23:51:00.001-07:00

moods

2010-04-08T11:45:00.000-07:00

smoke

2010-04-04T00:34:00.001-07:00

today i looked at myself in the mirror and I felt that I didn't look like myself. I hate moments like that because it makes me feel creepy in my own skin. i can see my face looking older and it frightens me.

OMG

2010-03-31T09:28:00.000-07:00

they were all there

2010-03-29T06:45:00.000-07:00

in gowns and beauty make up. reminding me of what has been lost and what i need to recapture. i was frightened in los angeles, downtown to be exact. 6:41 am i wake up in a sweat, and feel depressed as ever. i remember what it was like to get those looks from you.

goodbye childhood home

2010-03-26T10:30:00.000-07:00

so my parents have packed up the last remaining boxes from the house I grew up in. I can't begin to describe the huge loss I feel walking out of the only house I have ever known. With the exception of living in Long Beach for four years and my current apartment with Davey, I have lived in that house my whole life and never thought I would see the day that I would watch it go to someone else. As with any house, my home is a place that shares several good times and bad times, starts of friendships and losses of friendships, birthday parties, family get togethers, holidays, wedding showers, a place to return after an argument with a boyfriend, a hide out from the world, and a place to feel safe. Today I drove to the house after my parents had left and went inside the empty house and sat in our living room and thought about what this house meant to me and how it will always be home to me. Nothing can ever replace the feeling of home, perhaps nothing can ever replace the way a child looks to home for shelter and a place to feel loved. I can't imagine anyone else living in my house. When I met the new owners of the home I felt angry and violated and I wanted to kick them out of my house. The idea of them changing anything or removing anything from the house seemed so wrong. The idea of returning to the home only to find they have removed my fathers olive tree that he had such pride in for the past 30 years, or seeing other children running out on the lawn that used to be mine I think would make me sick. I am afraid to return to the home for fear of feeling alone, but I know that I will return one day and I hope that I am strong enough to face it. A huge loss like this may seem trivial to someone else, but to me it is huge. Since the discussion of losing my home came into fruition in December and when the house went into escrow in February I have began feeling an overwhelming sense of wanting children and a home and to be a true adult. I really want to be a mom soon but I still feel like a child in so many ways. goodbye childhood, hello blackbird.

my beauts makes my life

2010-03-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

if i could be in love

2010-03-17T19:48:00.000-07:00

if i could be in love with any album in the whole entire world, i would choose to devote my love to nick cave's album 'no more shall we part.' it seems to be impossibly perfect at every moment of the day and in any mood i could possibly be in. nick cave has lit my soul.

oc restaurants week

2010-03-06T21:32:00.001-08:00

you kill me.

goodbye fat ass

2010-03-05T16:35:00.000-08:00

working out to lady gaga makes me feel as gay as badgers tail and I love every minute of it. I seriously feel I have made the perfect workout mix ever with bowie, gaga, lou reed, vnv and dij. at this rate I will be back in my old jeans in no time!

true story.

2010-02-22T16:30:00.000-08:00

If someone stood up in a crowd
And raised his voice up way out loud
And waved his arm and shook his leg
You'd notice him

If someone in the movie show
Yelled "Fire in the second row
This whole place is a powder keg!"
You'd notice him

And even without clucking like a hen
Everyone gets noticed, now and then,
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me!

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...

I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...

Suppose you was a little cat
Residin' in a person's flat
Who fed you fish and scratched your ears?
You'd notice him

Suppose you was a woman, wed
And sleepin' in a double bed
Beside one man, for seven years
You'd notice him

A human being's made of more than air
With all that bulk, you're bound to see him there
Unless that human bein' next to you
Is unimpressive, undistinguished
You know who...

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...
I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never even know I'm there.

Hope I didn't take up too much of your time.

...........................

2010-02-11T20:59:00.000-08:00

i feel numb inside. existence is less desirable than it was yesterday, right now i feel like nothing and i have nothing. i will probably erase this post in a few days but right now i am completely alone.

probably exactly.

2010-02-02T11:01:00.000-08:00

hard reality

2010-01-29T20:25:00.000-08:00

So it has become rather obvious to me the trend in 2010 is to get married and/or have babies. All of my college girlfriends seem to be handing in the single towel and getting married what seems like every other week. Those that aren't getting married are having babies and some of them are even on their second or third. I started thinking how young these women are and then the hard reality hit, we aren't that young anymore. As if i needed to add any more insult to injury, today on facebook I received an invite to my 10 year high school reunion. I will turn 28 years old in October and I can't even begin to tell you how much of a hard reality that is to swallow. Davey and I have been engaged for a very long time and the reasoning behind that is not because we aren't serious about each other but because we wanted to have certain things accomplished by the time we walked down the aisle. For starters I wanted to have a down payment on a house ready to go, I wanted my career to be in full swing and I wanted to have enough money to pay for certain things myself. I also want to be about 30 lbs lighter and be able to fly out all of Davey's family from the UK. There are all of these elements that we have to worry about and then when you throw a baby in the mix it's as if telling me I would have to sell my soul for food stamps in order to survive.

vivetta

2010-01-26T14:28:00.001-08:00

Vivi Ponti is an italian designer who makes clothes that are right up my street. I have discovered this gem through my friends Shab and Tara who have impeccable taste.

Peter pan collars, candy buttons, pastels, kitsch, babydoll, ahh! such beautiful unique clothes! I have never been so excited to see these items arrive on my doorstep. Since it is coming all the way from Italy I'm sure I will be waiting impatiently!

The quality is so substantial and the design is so unique I am quite surprised that more people haven't heard about Vivi.

14 year old nostalgia

2010-01-14T20:52:00.000-08:00

I went to a private catholic high school. Half way through my sophomore year I had enough and hit the high road to Orange County High School of the Arts. When I was in private school my mind viewed things much differently and I was much more a wall flower lacking the joie de vivre that I had come to know and love when I was around my 'art' friends. I found some sort of sanctuary in my solitude because I was able to explore music, art and myself. I would read plays and listen to classical music and give myself fake interviews in front of my bathroom mirror. I would put on my party dresses and I would pretend to sing Puccini to an adoring crowd all the while knowing there was a strong interest in something else that I felt I had yet to discover. I remember the feeling like it was yesterday. The first day I discovered music.

The definition of music to me is much different to what your definition may be. For starters music had always consisted of cellos, piano, choirs, and sopranos. I thought that was the recipe for music and so I never looked elsewhere for an alternative. That was until the 8th grade. It was my last year in the private school that I had attended for the past 11 years. Pre-School -8th grade, who does that? Everyone I knew I could count on my fingers. My friendship circle consisted of a very small minority of children that were not only completely sheltered but also lacked a music repertoire beyond the radio stations their parents listened to while driving them to and from school. I remember paying off one of the girls in grade 7 to buy me music magazines because I was too embarrassed to ask my parents to buy me one when we were in the grocery store. She would bring me the magazines in a manila envelope and leave it on my desk prior to the beginning of class. This began my love for industrial music, that inevitable 'goth' girl in your art class, and all the other cliche roles I could possibly play during my high school/college career.

I must admit I don't think that my taste of music is superior to anyone else, but I must say that for me anyone sharing the same taste of music as me will always be looked at more fondly in my eyes regardless of any circumstances. I remember the first time I heard Tori Amos. I was 12 and it was during her release of 'Under the Pink' I listened to 'Baker, Baker' on repeat and cried. I begged my father to take me to a breakfast with Tori Amos that was hosted by radio Djs kevin and bean and I will never let him forget how thankful I am for him always supporting me and my crazy requests. I don't know too many fathers that would drive their teenage daughters at 6am to a radio show just for a peek at their favorite musician. I met Tori Amos that day and from then on my life was changed. The autographs added up, my walls were covered with concert memorabilia an homage to Tori, Trent, Courtney, Billy. In short I thought I was awesome.

Nothing can replicate that teenage feeling of listening to music in your room, door closed, candles/incense lit and thinking that no one understands you apart from from your favorite artists, and when you meet them everything just makes sense. I spent a lot of my youth alone, in a room, waiting for my life to begin. I never realized that it already had, that those moments would end up being some of the best memories of my life and the events that would make me who I am today.

bobby flay

2010-01-10T10:40:00.000-08:00

i love to watch you cook, but you think you can lay off the pork once in a while?

2010 thus far.

2010-01-08T15:44:00.000-08:00

So far 2010 has been really good to me. For starters I was able to welcome in the new year in this adorable cabin in echo park with close friends and a certain mister to have my new years kiss with and force to drink champagne with me. I had a wonderful Christmas holiday with my friends and family and received tons of great gifts from Davey and my family. This Christmas I scored five new dresses from Anthro, new ysl perfume, an arial book of France, some wii video games and an absurd amount of starbucks gift cards. There is a job possibility that seems rather promising that I feel would be a great chapter to start out on for the new year and I couldn't be happier with the people I have to support me. Being vegan has proven to have a lot of great new foods as well this year with the addition of Daiya cheese to my everyday essentials and Polly's fantastic advice from her veggywood blog to keep my taste buds happy as pie. I look forward to seeing what this year brings for me, and even more excited to see what it brings to the important people in my life.

what to do.

2010-01-05T11:51:00.000-08:00

i am my own worst critic as well as being my biggest enemy. there are so many things that i would like to do, so many places i would like to live and so many careers i would like to pursue but at the end of the day i make myself panic and afraid to take risks. i would love to move to new york, or london. i would love to be a chorus girl on a national tour only to find myself a lead role in a few years time, i would love to go back to ballet, i would love to practice law, i would love to be in politics and i would love to live in strausberg. i want to go back blonde, but i like my black hair, i want to travel all the time but i don't want to be away from my parents. i would love to go out more but i like to spend time at home. i love peter pan collars and babydoll dresses but i am sick of people viewing me as a child rather than an adult. i want to have more friends but i have a hard time being a good friend to those that i already have.

customary banter

2009-12-31T15:21:00.001-08:00

So the new year is approaching and in less than 9 hours I will have survived through another decade. this year has definitely been one of the more dismal years of my 27 year existence. i didn't accomplish anything, i didn't find my career, and i didn't save a dime. i could absolutely scratch 2009 from my memory and have no desire to ever look back. this coming year will be a bit different. i am going to try to let my ocd kick in and allow myself to get back into shape. with that said here are a few rezzys that i will try and stick by for 2010.

1. I will refrain from using any bad word that starts with a 'c'
2. I will work out four times a week no matter what.
3. I will learn to make macaroons.
4. I will spend more time with my parents.
5. I will spend more time with my friends and visit them when they ask me to.
6. I will go to the U.K no matter what.
7. I will not accept any job that is less than what i deserve.

These things are rather trivial in the grand scheme of things, but then again I have never been one to make grandiose resolutions with no plan or follow through. I am thankful for the dear things that have happened to me this year as well as the fact that everyone I love and care about remained safe and sheltered this year regardless of what difficult times we live in. goodbye 2009.

gaga

2009-12-23T11:11:00.000-08:00

i had so much fun at the gaga show, i love that a man wearing a red patent leather thong and a top hat hollowed out with a lit up bird cage was in the crowd dancing his ass off in the same crowd where a man in his early seventies was snapping his fingers and smiling ear to ear. only in la? or only at a gaga show? i was finally able to debut my marc jacobs dress that I had been hiding out in my closet for months with no where to wear it to:

unfortunately i have no photos to remind myself of the evening as i forgot it at home, but i suppose it was for the best because typically having a camera makes me live outside of the moment and i never truly relax and just watch. thanks to amanda for taking me and working for interscope so that my ass got in for free!

the horrors again

2009-12-16T23:14:00.000-08:00

scarlet fields song of the month for sure. on repeat.repeat. repeat. also worth mentioning, this song is AMAZING live, and is amazing to listen to by yourself. so do it.

back on point

2009-12-07T17:33:00.000-08:00

innocently

2009-12-06T11:55:00.000-08:00

i still have a crush on you. i think it's the abundant amount of nostalgia.

i only think of you.

2009-12-03T12:42:00.001-08:00

if i could make whoever reads this blog listen to this song i would. think of this link as a virtual do or die.

vanity/insanity

2009-12-01T23:07:00.001-08:00

it's christmas in the apartment y'all...

come winter.

2009-11-30T20:59:00.001-08:00

So yesterday as I was walking to work I lit up a cigarette and put my ipod on and David Bowie's cover of 'Waiting for the Man' dazzled my ear drums for the four minute journey. It's amazing how something so small like listening to my ipod would make my walk to work seem so much more important, but it truly made me feel like I was walking into a music video. Now I am sure to the average reader this might seem mundane and probably downright snoozefest, but I happen to live on a rather magical street I assure you and the journey was far from vanilla.

goodbye fall.

if i just...

2009-10-27T19:07:00.000-07:00

listened to the sounds people make when they eat i would be the skinniest person in the world. listening to the sounds of food digesting, foods swish swashing around the mouth and the look of peoples faces as they open up to take in an insane amount of food is quite possibly enough for me to become anorexic on the spot.

with the desire of a new job.

2009-10-15T20:28:00.000-07:00

comes the desire of something else...and i am going to get control of what has been neglected for so long. no more lack of control, desire overcome by temptation. i'm going all out, no stopping, watch out, get out of the way....i'm over the mundane, i'm ready to come back.

king chump

2009-10-04T21:25:00.000-07:00

the award of my lifetime.

rest in peace

2009-09-15T21:54:00.000-07:00

today the world lost one of the greatest dogs to ever exist. bentley our beloved family yorkie had his final bark tonight around 6:30 pm. This has been one of the hardest losses I have had in my life and I can't imagine how I can ever forget the spirit that bentley had and the love he gave to everyone that knew him. bentley, your zest for life while dealing with your heart failure the past two years was something I will never forget. So much heart for such a little dog. i love you now and always.

my little frenchman

2009-09-08T18:03:00.000-07:00

my new favorite place.

2009-09-07T16:50:00.001-07:00

oh karl.

2009-09-02T22:16:00.001-07:00

if this video doesn't inspire you, nothing will.

hooray!

2009-08-31T19:39:00.001-07:00

our new settee! I passed on the anthro couch as it was much too white for the rest of our furniture, but this one fits just perfectly with the rest of our things.

networking is for losers

2009-08-30T01:22:00.000-07:00

title pretty much says it all...

unlimited thoughts.

2009-08-25T12:21:00.000-07:00

i can't begin to say how much i need a vacation right about now. i think that it would do myself some good as well as the people that are in my life. i am constantly on the move lately, and it's really hard to get the whole house situation going when i hardly have the money to furnish it as well as hardly have the time to go bargain searching. therefore a lot of my furniture hunting has been done via craigslist as well as ebay. as a result i found a couch that i was planning on dropping 3000 on for a mere 400 bucks. not to mention a fantastic settee from anthro that is still pending however i am pretty sure i can't let this baby go! it's in perfect condition and it is absolutely my taste. the place is also in desperate need of some color! for example one look at my kitchen it seems to scream drab!

i am not sure exactly what it needs but i am sure some sort of yellow or soft green would be right up my alley.

the anthro couch i have my eye on is so beauts it's hardly fair to sit on it,

i would love to just look at it and perhaps every once in a while use it while i read a book or look out through the window.

facebook reunion

2009-08-19T00:17:00.000-07:00

wow, i have found my entire childhood on facebook this week. it's so weird to find photos of yourself that have been on facebook for literally months that you knew nothing about....

it really makes me think differently about life. fb is so much better than myspace in so many different ways. myspace is such a downer while fb makes me involved in all of my past/present friends lives without making me feel awkward or left without anything to talk about.

umm, wow,

2009-08-08T22:34:00.000-07:00

Just what I have been waiting for! I'm sure every woman in the world will be jumping to their computers to order one of these. the innuendo is hardly vague.

busybee

2009-08-05T16:25:00.000-07:00

i have been so busy moving into the new place the past two weeks i haven't had much time to do anything else. trying to find furniture that I am crazy about that is also in my price range is also really difficult as well. anyway, here are a few photos of the place so far...

im obsessed...

2009-07-24T23:37:00.001-07:00

decorpad.com get into it.

sometimes she's a friend of mine.

2009-07-19T01:22:00.000-07:00

tori amos was amazing last night, I cried as usual. Tear in your hand came on and I grabbed davey's leg and lost it. Something about that song just brings me to tears, even after all these years. She looked beautiful as always, and the night couldn't have been more perfect.

I can't stop listening to the new horrors album. I don't care what anyone has to say about them, they are soo good. This album does what I think Interpol had only hoped to pull off with ripping off joy division and trying to claim their music as something new. If bands would just own up to their biting i think they would actually get more respect. And for the record, I really do like Interpol.

'Why yes, I did listen to unknown pleasures several hundred times prior to making this album, but I made it because most of todays music is crap and let's face it nothing is ever going to be as good as the old stuff so let's just try to emulate it right?'

at least I think that's how it should go anyway.

Davey and I are moving next saturday, I will miss my parents loads, but it is for the best that we make our move. I feel like my life is going to be completely different in only a few days time. I'm part nervous, and also part excited.

will someone please...

2009-07-06T00:42:00.000-07:00

buy me or shab a fennec fox? PLEASE???

the best part is the cats would have no problem adapting:

brightblack morning light

2009-07-04T23:44:00.000-07:00

makes me feel like i am perhaps a hippy to say such a thing, but i honestly am so into it right now. the song 'opressions each' is really making my evening right now....

the 4th was filled with a lot of fun and one amazing slice of peach pie. Davey and I loved watching the fireworks and eating as much vegan chicken salad as possible.

for amazing laughter.

2009-06-24T23:08:00.001-07:00

read this bruno/sascha cohen interview. best laugh i have had in years.

http://men.style.com/gq/features/landing?id=content_9557

instant karma

2009-06-14T20:18:00.000-07:00

can someone please explain to me why yoko ono is needle pointing blind folded during the instant karma music video?

it don't get better than this truly...

2009-06-10T00:15:00.000-07:00

why can i watch this video 30 times and it never gets old????

peter murphy

2009-06-08T23:49:00.000-07:00

was incredible tonight! thank you to polly once again for being an awesome friend and getting davey, shab and I in! when i got home tonight i had some serious loving from the beauts after an unfortunate incounter this afternoon where she decided to cut my arm open!

spring/summer cleaning.

2009-06-03T00:12:00.000-07:00

You know those people that cling on to wrappers, gift bows, receipts, clothes that are too small but hold sentimental value, or things that perhaps mean nothing now but at some point in their life they were really special?

well, I am a self proclaimed sentimental pack rat. I keep everything. Even things from people that I can't stand. For example, Christmas 2004 I received a shadowbox made especially for me by an ex boyfriend of mine. The shadow box was made up of all kinds of things, photographs, nail polish, 'homies', razorblades, hello kitty, etc...the thought of it was really sweet and the final product was really special. The thing is I have no idea what to do with it now. I am no longer with that person and now I have this shadowbox that I neither display nor throw away. I just leave it in my closet. Same person made me a hello kitty painting for my birthday but I don't dare have it displayed. I still love hello kitty, just not him...so what do I do???

clothes that my deceased nana bought for me, blankets from my childhood, birthday cards, video tapes, emails, postcards, photographs, letters, notes from class, empty make up containers that are packaged really well, perfume bottles that are empty but still look cute, books, books and more books, JEWELRY of all kinds. costume jewelry, cocktail rings, tea cups from anthropologie, antique soap dishes, random fabric swatches that I swear I will use for fabric on my chairs....the list goes on.

I am in terrible need of someone to help lift me from my attachments to objects.

when it's time to party we will party hard.

2009-05-31T11:43:00.001-07:00

cause behind every myspace quote there is a story.

2009-05-27T18:49:00.001-07:00

Saturday Night Live - Chandeliers

rescue beauty lounge

2009-05-27T00:19:00.000-07:00

makes the best nail polish colors ever. I love the OPI french collection and the color 'recycle' by china glaze they are also included in my list of my favorites. i have been on a matte nail polish kick and this week I have added the following to my nail collection:

john goodman

2009-05-26T11:56:00.001-07:00

one of my favorite people in this world.

shab

2009-05-25T23:03:00.000-07:00

you are the best friend i could ever ask for. i have been thinking about our friendship over the past hour and how much I am so lucky to have you as a friend. I know I am not the most emotional person and the idea of me conveying any kind of emotion toward another human being besides apathy is an idea that has become quite scary for a person like me. I can honestly say that I am so thankful to have you as a best friend. I have only had one other friend like you in my life and our friendship reminds me very much of one that meant so much to me. you are my sister, and I am so thankful that I was given a friendship in my life that I so clearly needed.

you probably won't read this because you will be too busy ebaying your little persian fingers to the bone searching for ysl tribute shoes, cleaning out your old model united nations awards/pamphlets/handouts, or listening to some softcell circa 1982 songs on your ipod while trying to figure out how to kick-start our idea of 'Retail!: The Musical'

Regardless if you read this or not I suppose this is my way of coping with all of the things you have done for me the past couple of weeks and the constant emotional support you provide on an everyday basis. You know I couldn't say this to your face because for me this would require too much emotion and feelings. I suppose it's a lot easier for me to know how to piss you off and get you to snap at me for mistaking arab women for persians, and for telling you that I really am not crazy about the latest chloe boots.

love you shabnam.

chanel cruise 09

2009-05-25T14:50:00.000-07:00

i finally bought my favorite purse of the season. The chanel cruise '09 line is amazing and I couldn't stop myself from purchasing this for my spring bag collection this year:

the color blue is phenomenal. the option to wear it with one strap or two is also a dead giveaway to the fact that it is going to be extremely functional while I am traveling this summer. I am not sure if karl had any say in the color choices for the bags for this collection but honestly the color in person is so unique and beautiful. Here is a photo taken from my mac, I dont think it gives the bag justice.I also look kind of nuts:

who cares about susan boyle..

2009-05-17T13:02:00.000-07:00